Gandalf the Grey once said “A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.” An analogous thing can be said of the most dignified of modern men: the gentlemen, scholars, philosophers, workingmen, proletarians, cheesemongers, watchmakers and bassoon-engravers. Those among us who know of, and indeed interact with, such people, may be aware of this similar, yet altogether different, Gandalfian rule that governs their activities and relations. That is to say, a true professional is always at least 15 minutes late, sometimes up to 30 minutes, but rarely more and certainly never less. Only masochists and sociopaths turn up early to work let alone social engagements. What could be less dignified than spending precious extra time each morning working effectively for free for the managers, capitalists, corporates and technophiles, specifically at a time when most of us are at our worst, glummest, weakest and desperately in need of nicotine or caffeine-based rejuvenation? Nasty, so nasty. Bukowski said it best when he asked ““How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?”. Indeed, beats me. Maybe ask your local sociopathic masochist.
The only exception to our widely-accepted and well-established rule is if one arrives on time to work, or indeed a social function (to mince around with people that one does not like), in order to waste 20 to 30 minutes in the toilet and start the working day late, as they say “shitting on company time” or actions to that effect. This is true revolutionary activity – forget the protests and activism – for revolutions start small: from the grassroots or (pardon the pun) from the bottom up. A proletarian knows that robbing the boss of half an hour or so of labour time, every day, in such a covert manner, can add up to a sizable portion of retrieved surplus value. If all workers made us of this tactic daily, the bourgeoisie would be significantly weakened! Indeed it is sometimes rumoured that it was the regularity of workers’ bowel movements in 20th century Russia which helped prevent the rise of the capitalist class and propelled the Bolsheviks to eventual victory.
The same can be said, of course, of those extra-long lunchbreaks, the secret smoke-breaks, the “sickies” and leaving early or “extremely punctually”: it is in these moments of brief rebellion that exhausted and demoralised workers, their unions already busted, their wages cut, their living standards at rock bottom, can take back a smidgeon of power from the ruling classes and retain their ineffable dignity. We might not be able to smash the system or bring about a better world, but we can damn sure take the piss a little.
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